I wasn’t having a very good night that night I posted. I do feel that way, but I don’t have a hard time shaking it off usually. I chose this life with my husband and was more sure of it than he was at first. I love being a military spouse and even if I’m never thanked I still feel it’s worth it, our military members don’t do what they do for the recognition and neither do I. But it’s difficult to sit by and sacrifice so much of your life and have no one notice. But I do realize the army is trying to change that.

It was the first week home that was the roughest. I just felt very very angry. And I am not an angry person at all. It caught me off guard and made it difficult for me to concentrate on my husband. I felt terrible because I wasn’t just blissful that he was home, and I really wish I had been warned that might happen lol and it wasn’t strange. I do think you are right about me letting my guard down Sara. I did talk to my husband about it, thankfully he is very good about those things and we have no trouble communicating. Things are steadily getting better and have been since that first week passed. You are quite right Sara in another job not thanking me either—but then another job wouldn’t make the demands and require the sacrifices from me or my family that the military does either. He is treated differently in this life style by his employer than he would be by another employer because he doesn’t have a normal job.

I have to agree about the certificates of appreciation or the meager thank you toasts as well lol. That is hardly what I think spouses need more of. Although a unit here upon redeployment had an entire ceremony dedicated to spouse appreciation where the soldiers thanked their wives. No other units did that, but I thought the idea was a pretty good one. I didn’t go because it wasn’t our unit, but having some wives speak or chaplains speak at an event like that about what it’s like to be left at home, and summarize some of the specific challenges specific spouses faced would probably be an eye opener to many soldiers. It’s not always easy to put the shoe on the other foot when the point of view you are hearing is only coming from your spouse………and I know I really appreciate hearing what deployed life is like from other soldiers, it gives me a great appreciation for what my husband went through and where he is coming from.

Another idea I came up with and plan to take to my FRG when the deployment to Afghanistan comes around next year is battle buddies. I know we have POCs in the FRG (I am one lol), but I think having a battle buddy (volunteer basis of course) could be really helpful, especially since we are overseas. Usually when someone is feeling down, they aren’t gonna say so…..just having someone drop you a phone call or email to chat and see how you are on a regular basis and in a one on one setting I think would be very beneficial. This could be a spouse that you go chat with once the deployment is over so you can get some outside perspective on sorting out how you are feeling. My husband laughed at me at first when I told him about this idea during the deployment, but when he got home and realized how connected he was with his battle buddies I told him to now imagine going all that time without them, now he thinks this idea is a good one lol.

Ultimately communication really is the key. I think a guide to post deployment hand out (pertaining to how it affects spouses as well as soldiers) or even an informational website would be helpful, a website could even have a place for people to share post deployment stories.

I will add though that I always feel valued and appreciated by our chaplains. We haven’t had our marriage retreats yet, but I plan on attending them. I know there were spouses retreats but getting info on them was difficult and being new I didn’t have many people to ask. I know the army is taking steps on spreading information better though outlets such as twitter which I think is fabulous (and how I found this site).

I hope I haven’t rambled on too much. I appreciate that this subject is being addressed, and I know many spouses (and therefore military members) will benefit from it.

When I read your post, the first thing I thought when you said you were fine during the deployment but emotional after your husband came home was that you finally gave yourself permission to hurt. There is definitely a grieving process that comes with deployment. No, no one has died, but sometimes it can feel that way. You have major changes that force you to adjust, and as a spouse trying to keep up the house, the kids, and supporting your soldier with letters, care packages and drop everything phone calls, you don’t always have or make the time to process those changes. Then, just as you’ve finally figured out how to do that, your hubby’s back and suddenly you have to remember how things were before!

Let me just say, from one spouse to another, you have enormous value. The time, energy and commitment you show every day as a military spouse can’t be replicated. It would be wonderful if the military did more to reach out and show their appreciation for milspouses, but let’s think of it in practical terms - if your husband worked for any company besides the military, would his boss constantly be sending home thank you’s and finding ways to make your life easier? Probably not.

That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t justified. I’ve been a Navy reservist spouse for almost 12 years and confess that the sporadic “certificates of appreciation” my husband’s unit sometimes sends home for me doesn’t usually leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy (especially after the last deployment). So I’ve had to learn, and remind myself often, that my role as a military spouse is very important, and very needed. And where I get my biggest reminder is by connecting with other military spouses, either online or in person. Those are where I get (and give) my best appreciation.

I would love to encourage you to get connected to a positive, supportive group of military wives. And talk to your husband about how you feel, if you haven’t already. Guys especially don’t always pick up on what we’re feeling, or what we need for them, so it helps to lay it out there and let him know. Don’t be afraid to say “I’d really like to talk to you about some of the things I went through while you were gone, just so I can get it out.” When my husband came home, we had that conversation. It helped him understand where I was coming from, and it helped me get out some of the emotions I’d been holding back. I cried a whole lot that first week he was home and it had nothing to do with me being sad, it was just absolute utter relief.

Take each day at a time and remember that just like the deployment, homecoming is also a process. Give yourself time to adjust and sort out all your feelings. Hope this helps!

You raise an issue that is very real to you, and most likely to many other spouses as well.

I’m interested to know what practical, concrete things could be done to help spouses, such as yourself, once deployment is over.

Briefings on how to treat a spouse at home are a good idea … but what specifically are you looking for?

Maybe another way to approach this is: What could have been done to make you feel valued? And to ease your emotional stress? Think practical and concrete.

I really want to know!

Thanks,
Chaplain Campbell

I’m not sure what I would’ve like to have known about handling stress………I’m pretty good with that……..but what I don’t understand is how to deal with my very mixed emotions all the time. I did fine during the deployment but it’s like the day he came home was the day I lost all control over my emotions……….which have been mostly anger and sadness among relief that he’s back. We were breifed on what to expect in our marriage, what to expect from them, but nothing about what to expect from US. As a newer wife to the army I feel the army in general could do a lot more to help me feel like a person worth having around and not just someone who is expected to cater around the soldier’s life and be a 2nd class citizen at the same time.

I think what would help a lot is more briefing of the soldiers about how to treat their families when they get home and how to think about the sacrifices made at home even though they are different than those on the battlefield they are still sacrifices. I’m finding that there are thank yous abound for him and nothing but “you’ve got a good man” said to me. I went through a lot this deployment, and I feel like it’s not recognized at all.

It is great to have online supports such as Wives of Faith as well as in-person groups. Especially with so many Guard and Reservists deploying, families who are not connected with a military installation can still be connected with others going through the same issues and struggles.

Although it can be frustrating to have to keep making calls or asking questions, as you said, it is worth sticking with it to find out what you need to know. Chaplains are a good resource for spiritual and emotional support, and can serve as a valuable resource for you and your family.

Thanks for commenting on Warriors Sanctuary.

I’m going to agree with her 100% that spouses get no training when their spouse is a reservist. My husband joined the reserves and came home from his first round of training with an entirely new vocabulary made up of letters! I had no clue. And there were not really any internet resources available back then (2002). Now there are plenty of resources.

I’m going to echo Chaplain Campbell and tell anyone who feels like they need help to get in touch with their chaplain. They can get you in touch with any family support as well. (My husband is a chaplain, active duty now, but he began as a reservist.)

Even active duty spouses don’t get a whole lot of training, though. I have learned most of what I know the hard way. Seems like unless you’re attached to a squadron (as a chaplain, we’re not, we come under wing staff), you get nothing. I’ve had to swallow my pride and just ASK. Three years active and I still ask questions! It’s the only way I’m going to learn.

For now, let me say that your concerns sound like what the Army and other branches are looking into. Changes are coming to help with what you have experienced. Especially as a Reserve family, it can be difficult to make the connections you need to receive information and support. Support and counseling help are available from Military OneSource. We are here to serve. Please call. 800-342-9647, anytime, day or night, 24/7 … or go on-line anytime. There is help!

Here is a brief excerpt from Chaplain Campbell to someone who shared a similar concern previously:

“Allow me to make a couple of suggestions … get in touch with your husband’s “Rear Detachment,” that is, the soldiers who stay behind when the bulk of the unit deploys, and let them know what has happened. Please don’t feel that this calls too much attention to yourself … if I were in the shoes of the “Rear D” I would want to know about problems in the system.

Another idea is to contact the chaplain’s office at your husband’s unit… even a phone call can be helpful and more should be available very quickly if needed, that is a real live chaplain to talk to in private. Even if your husband’s unit chaplain is deployed, ask for a different one if you would like to speak to a chaplain. That’s our job!”

I hope this helps a bit. We will keep you in prayer as you struggle with this difficult situation. If you would like to contact Chaplain Campbell directly, you can do so at chaplain.blog@moscenter.us.